Thursday, September 6, 2012

Friday, September 7th

Overview/Comments: 
What a fun class today!

Watching some of my students sit and contemplatively stare off with a pen in hand was a satisfying sight. The process of writing takes so much careful consideration to create not only what is familiar but also have a personal take on it and I think after reading some of your work out loud, we were successful. Yes, we were able to use the class to write and joke about some cliches or familiar idioms we know. But what is more, we were also able to take a few run-of-the-mill sentence and create depth, a third-dimension if you will.

It was my goal that after taking a class period to develop three sentences, that it would alert you of the time consuming, yet satisfying task it is to create in the form of the written word. Take heed of this lesson and allow yourselves much time to go back and daze off again while writing like you did today, trying to remember what you were smelling, what it looked like up close, where you had seen something similar before and how it ties to your "realization".

I'm really looking forward to reading your memoirs already. Next class we will be talking about characterization, another element that must be considered in your memoir writing process.

Agenda: 
After turning in REDO's that were assigned for the 'How to Write a Memoir' article by William Zinsser, we concentrated the hour on developing our writing skill.

We first took a literal sentence (e.g. I ran to the store) and added the following:
+ Detail
+ Interesting word choice

We then also considered including Figurative Language:
+ Metaphors
+ Similes
+ Personification
+ 5 senses (hearing, touch, smell, sight, taste)

Finally, we considered the inclusion of:
+ Onomatopoeia
+ Symbolism
+ Allusion

An example of this transformation included going from

'I ran to the store' to

'My legs pumped and thudded like the pistons of an engine as I dashed to the corner of the corner mart with the red and white awning. The hot pebbles ricocheted off my calves and the smell of warm spring, like the Spring that tempted Persephone, floated in the air."

The important thing to note here is no action or event has taken place.  Remember, we didn't add more story but rather developed a world around the action and humanized our character. Also, students should beware of dropping in name brands or pop culture items to avoid the task of a personalized description. Also be wary of adjective and adverb over usage.

We did more work like the above and students shared their work with other sentences they transformed, such as "I ate a sandwich" and "I fell in love. / I love her."

Homework for Tuesday: 
1.  Read and annotate "By Any Other Name" by Santha Rau. You will find a PDF file on the Contents section of our Edline page.

2. Come to class on Tuesday with a hard copy of your memoir after having thoroughly edited your work after the last in-class peer edit. That means work should be in MLA format (consult the Purdue MLA website if you are unsure of the format here), be edited for content, have both a plot arc AND a realization, as well as sentences that have been given the same consideration sentences were given in class today. No more I + verb sentences that report the actions of story, please.Your self-edited copy should be a clean copy of edits you made on the computer and then be overtaken by your own pencil-markings.

3. Comment below with the sentence(s) you wrote. Include your name and section (either 3 or 4). Also include the original sentence and then final edit like the example below. This is also due Tuesday.

Joe Student
Grade 10 L&L -3

Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich.

Edit 1: I inhaled the turkey, bacon sandwich on bread speckled with grain my mom made for me.

Edit 2: The cold cut gave in to the grinder-like rotation of my teeth and the bacon unearthed its flavor. The bread was speckled with grain and I looked up at her just in time so my forehead met the weight of her hand.

Edit 3: The bread speckled with grain jacketed the cold cuts and bacon that gave in to the grinder-like rotation of my teeth. The suction and slapping of eating filled my head so much so that I failed to hear my mother's beckoning to take a bite of her apple. I looked up at her just in time so my forehead met the weight of her hand.



28 comments:

  1. Michael Kang
    Grade 10 L&L -3
    Literal Sentence: I loved her
    Edit 1: I could differentiate her from a crowd of million things. She was something different.
    Edit 2: I could differentiate her from a crowd of million things. She was something different, she was quite tall. We had this special one-sided bond for several of years. Her face was so cool it would protect me from global warming. She was so chill I would never feel warm or angry.
    Edit 3: Her beautiful round face let me differentiate her from a crowd of million things. She was something special and different. She had long wavering hair, and a strong stance. We had this special one-sided bond for several of years. Her face was so cool it would protect me from global warming. You could never sweat around her, you would never be nervous around her. I love you Air conditioner.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sean Franiak
    Grade 10 L&L-3
    Literal Sentence: I ran to the store
    Edit 1: I hurriedly sprinted to the seven-eleven down the alley.
    Edit 2: Knowing that the commercial break would end soon, I tore down the alley like an Olympic runner.
    Edit 3: Knowing that the commercial break would end soon, I tore down the alley like an Olympic runner. The constant pit-pat of my shoes hitting the asphalt echoed from the tall buildings that flanked me on both sides. As I reached the destination my heart sank; the store was closed.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Craig Kim
    Grade 10 L&L-3
    Literal Sentence: I ate a turkey sandwich
    Edit 1: I immediately gobbled the delicious turkey sandwich, my wife kindly made for me
    Edit 2: The delicious aroma of the turkey sandwich made my stomach grumble, as I slowly consumed the turkey sandwich
    Edit 3: The scent of the turkey sandwich made my stomach make a horrifying grumble. Enjoying each second of the turkey sandwich, I slowly consumed it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Brian lee
    Grade 10 L&L 3
    Literal Sentence: I loved her.
    Edit 1:I had loved the girl two blocks down since 8th grade, however she did not even know my name.
    Edit 2:My head hammered and my heart raced as I walked down the road to the house of the girl I had loved since 8th grade. I could barely hear anything because of the blood roaring in my ears.
    Edit 3:Ever since I had heard that the girl I had loved since 8th grade was moving, a deep, all-consuming flood of despair welled up inside me. My head was racing and my heart was pumping as I walked down to see her two blocks down, my mind racing with variations of love confessions. The blood roaring in my ears coupled with my tendency to lose myself in my thoughts made sure that I never heard the 18-wheeler moving truck emit a SCREECH as it attempted and failed to brake.

    ReplyDelete
  5. HyeJoon Lee
    Grade 10 L&L 4
    Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich.

    Edit 1:
    As I bit into the sandwich, the ham surrounded my tongue and the juiciness bled through.
    Edit 2:
    As I bit into the sandwich, the ham embraced my tongue, and my tongue, responding to this affection, held still for the juiciness to bleed through. Then the sandwich exploded into a hundred colors and I felt the vegetables and the bread, raining down from the ceiling of my mouth.
    Edit 3:
    As I shyly nibbled onto the sandwich, the ham embraced my tongue, and my tongue, responding to this affection, held still for the juiciness to bleed through. Then, as if Halcyons' flight had been hit by mercury’s ecstasy, the sandwich exploded into a hundred colors and I felt the vegetables and the bread raining down from the ceiling of my mouth. It had been odyssey's voyage condensed into a matter of seconds.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tommy Kim
    Grade 10 L&L -3
    LIteral Sentence: I ate a turkey sandwich
    Edit 1: I devoured the delicious turkey sanwich my friend made me.
    Edit 2: I devoured the delicious turkey sandwich that my friend made. It was stacked with all kinds of toppings and the perfect amount of sauce on it.
    Edit 3: The turkey sandwich my friend made me was completely incredible. It was stacked with all kinds of additional meat with perfect amount of sauce on it. Extra hot just the way I like it, the sandwich went down my throat within seconds.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hanna Ough
    Grade 10 L&L4

    Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich.

    Edit 1: I was propped against the big cheery blossom tree as I reached down into the basket and picked up my sandwich. As it entered my mouth, memories filled my mind.

    Edit 2: I was propped against the big cherry blossom tree as I watched the soft, pastel pink petals rain down around me. The gentle breeze scurried by like a young girl running with excitement towards her mother, and I reached down into the basket to pick up the sandwich. As the bread entered my mouth, I felt a rush of nostalgia, and memories took over my mind.

    Edit 3: The sudden coolness that chilled my back took me by surprise as I watched the soft, pastel pink petals rain down around me. The gentle breeze scurried by like a young girl running with excitement towards her mother, and I reached down into the basket to pick up the sandwich I had bought on the way. As the soft, warm bread entered my mouth, I felt a rush of nostalgia, and memories took over my mind. I blankly stared ahead, chewing slowly as each bite filled me up with more and more sadness.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ben Kim
    Grade 10 L&L -3

    Literal Sentence: I fell in love.

    Edit 1: I fell in love with the girl across the street. Her long, straight hair was mysteriously dark, but her blue eyes were so inviting.

    Edit 2: I felt my blood escape me as the girl who lived across the street walked by. Her long, straight hair was dark, mysterious as the ocean's trench. But her eyes, blue with a vividness of the sky invited me to come, for it told me she too, loved me.

    Edit 3: I felt my blood escape me as the girl who lived across the street walked by. Her long, straight hair was dark, mysterious as the ocean's trench. But her eyes, blue with a vividness of the sky invited me to come, for it told me she too, loved me. In the end though, there was a loud "Clash!" and those eyes disappeared into the house, a house that sung the song of despair and cruelty.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Daniel Lee
    Grade 10 L&L-3

    Literal Sentence: I ran to the store.

    Edit 1: I raced down to the store as quickly as my tiny feet could carry me.
    Edit 2: If I ever slowed down, I imagined my angry mother behind me, brandishing her favorite ladle as if she was a warrior. And really, she was.
    Edit 3: I could hear the pavement clapping with my feet, and the sweat on my forehead inched down into my eyes. My aching body begged me to stop, but I knew that if I did, the warrior at home would never let me back in.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ryan Park
    Grade 10 L&L - Section 3

    Literal Sentence: I loved her.

    Edit 1: I secretly admired her, watching her every morning as she passed by my apartment window.

    Edit 2: It was her. It was her again. My breath became terse and my back stiffened hard. I watched her every morning as she passed by my apartment window.

    Edit 3: It was her. It was her again. My breath became terse, and my back stiffened hard. Her mesmerizing flowery scent blinded my senses and pulled me towards the window. She strutted down the street in her bright yellow heels, perfectly harmonizing with her lavish, navy blue dress. At that moment, it was more than obvious that I secretly admired her.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Cullen Ogden
    Grade 10 L&L-4

    Literal Sentence: I fell in love.

    Edit 1: When i saw the look on her face after she told me that i was her best friend, i knew i had fallen in love.
    Edit 2: I saw the look on her face. It was like a warm blanket after a cold day of school, and those words "you're my best friend" grabbed me in a warm embrace, reassuring me that i had fallen in love with her.
    Edit 3: I saw the look on her face, more gorgeous than aphrodite herself. It was like a warm blanket after a cold day in the winter, and those words "you're my best friend" glided ever so gently out of her mouth. I was sure at that moment that i had fallen deeply in love with her.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Brian Rhee
    Grade 10 L&L- 3

    Literal Sentence: I ate a turkey sanwich.

    Edit 1: I devoured the delicious looking sandwich with the tender turkey and my favorite type of cheese.

    Edit 2: I could not resist the delicious odor coming from the sandwich. Without hesitation, I quickly grabbed it and devoured the delicious sandwich with the soft and tender turkey along with my favorite type of cheese.

    Edit 3: The luscious odor from the sandwich was irresistible. Without hesitation, I quickly grabbed it and devoured the sandwich that contained the soft tender turkey and my favorite type of cheese. It slithered down my throat within seconds.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Irissa Rim
    Grade 10 L&L-3

    Literal Sentence: I ate a turkey sandwich.

    Edit 1: I destroyed a turkey sandwich with fresh grilled chicken, on the porch.

    Edit 2: I clamped the sandwich with my two hands, like a shark's jaw grabbing it's prey.

    Edit 3: SNAP! The lettuce inside the turkey and grilled chicken sandwich, breaks in half to the strength of my clamp, surrounding the bread.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Brian Oh
    Grade 10 L&L -4

    Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich

    Edit 1: I quietly brought the warm sandwich into my watering mouth

    Edit 2: I quietly brought the warm sandwich into my watering mouth as the greedy hands of my ever so empty stomach swiped it away, down my throat like children grabbing candy from a shattered pinäta.

    Edit 3:I quietly brought the warm sandwich into my watering mouth as the greedy hands of my ever so empty stomach swiped it away, down my throat like children grabbing candy from a shattered pinäta. For the first time in weeks, I silenced my stomach. Sigh.......back to the street.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Daniel J. Lee
    Grade 10 L&L- 4

    Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich

    Edit 1: I hesitantly nibbled a no-cheese, turkey sandwich.

    Edit 2: I was cautious as the no-cheese, turkey sandwich approached my mouth. Worrying about how it would taste, I hesitantly nibbled on the meat of the sandwich.

    Edit 3: The fleshy smell of the turkey approached my nose. As the gruesome locking no-cheese sandwich got closer to my mouth, I was soaking with sweat, feeling sorry for the turkey for my immorality. The meat of the turkey sandwich touched my mouth and I knew that my stomach couldn’t take anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Kate Lee
    Grade 10 L&L-3

    Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich

    Edit 1: I rapidly inhaled a mouthful of the juicy turkey sandwich as I ran out the door for school.

    Edit 2: I ravenously inhaled a mouthful of the juicy turkey sandwich like a vacum. I could feel the sandwich dancing around my mouth and the taste tingling on my tongue as I was slipping on my flip-flops. "Wake up earlier next time!" my mother screeched, her harsh words chasing me out the door.

    Edit 3: I ravenously inhaled a mouthful of the juicy turkey sandwich like a vacum would suck up paper. As I was munching on it, I could feel the sandwich dancing around in my mouth and the taste tingling on my tongue as my sharp teeth gnawed it into smaller pieces.
    "Wake up earlier next time!" I heard my my mother screech, her harsh words chasing me out the door. As I was hurried to catch the bus, I felt emptiness and my mother's bitter voice kept repeating in my head.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Won Hee Cho
    Grade 10 L&L-3

    Literal Sentence: I ate a turkey sandwich.

    Edit 1: I gobbled down a scrumptious turkey sandwich I got from Subway.

    Edit 2: My fingers pounced on the scrumptious turkey sandwich stacked with several layers of bacon and my mouth gobbled it down as a starved tiger would devour his prey.

    Edit 3: My fingers pounced on the previous, scrumptious turkey sandwich stacked with several layers of crispy bacon with a bit of grease running down the sides. Crack! The bacon crunched and broke up into a million tiny, greasy particles inside my mouth as I gobbled down the first bite like a starved tiger devouring its prey.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  19. Juan Migues
    Grade 10 Language and Literature - 4

    Literal Sentence: I feel in love.

    Edit 1: I was going into that cycle obsession. I looked down as I thought I was unfit to be standing infront of such a goddess. Holding back, afraid of all the divine judgement I would receive from the most important thing in my life. My knees broke down. This is not happening again.

    Edit 2: I was spiraling down into that endless cycle of obsession. I looked down in shame as I saw myself unfit to be in the presence of such a goddess. Cringing back in fear of all the divine judgement I would receive from, what now seemed like, my life's purpose. My knees began to crumble from underneath me. This is not happening again. I won't allow it.

    Edit 3: I was spiraling down into that endless cycle of obsession. I looked down in shame as I saw myself unfit to be in the presence of such a goddess. Cringing back in fear of all the unjust impressions I would lay upon what was corrupting my every thought. My knees began to crumble from underneath me. My mouth became dry instantly, tasting the disgusting tension in the air. This is not happening again. I won't allow it.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Joachim Bontemps
    Grade 10 L&L-3

    Literal sentence: I ate a sandwich

    Edit 1: I tasted the crunchy seven layered turkey sandwich that I bought at the market.

    Edit 2: I opened my tremendous crocodile mouth and tore a part of the crunchy seven layered turkey sandwich that I bought at the market.

    Edit 3: I opened my tremendous crocodile mouth and tore a part of the crunchy seven layered turkey sandwich remembering the joyful sound of my friends laugh with whom I use to go to the market after school to purchase the delicious 2000 won sandwich.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Maddie Thies
    Grade 10 Language and Literature 4

    Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich.

    Edit 1: I munched on my usual sour dough sandwich.

    Edit 2: I munched on my usual sour dough sandwich as if I was a man who had never seen food. My only slowing of consumption was to catch the dribbles of balsamic that slid down my chin.

    Edit 3: I vigorously munched on my usual sour dough sandwich like a man finding food for the first time after being stranded in the desert. Drip. The assaulting sent of balsamic fills my corner of the room. It dribbles down my chin, slowing only once to slither my tongue as a rattler in slow motion savoring its prey.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Andrew Kim
    Grade 10 Language and Literature 4

    Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich

    Edit 1: I took a bite of my turkey on rye sandwich.

    Edit 2: I ripped a huge chunk of my freshly-made turkey on rye sandwich and munched on it for thirty seconds savoring the crisp lettuce and tangy mustard harmonizing perfectly with a chilled slice of turkey.

    Edit 3: I barbarically ripped off a mouthful my turkey on rye sandwich that I found in the back of the refrigerator. As I rested my bottom on the hard, cold chair, I imagined the crisp lettuce, tangy mustard, and chilled turkey harmonizing perfectly in my mouth. Quite the contrary, the putrid stench of the expired cheese and rotten tomatoes hit me like a ten ton truck. I jumped from my seat and chucked the sandwich into the newly lain garbage liner looking more disappointed than a stubborn toddler.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hyunna Yoo
    Grade 10 Language & Literature 4

    Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich.

    Edit 1: I glanced at the pale, white meal before taking a bite.

    Edit 2: I glanced at the pale, white meal before taking a bite like a wary animal approaching an unknown nourishment. As I winced from the sour, bitter taste, I adverted my concentration to the soothing gales of fall as it whispered encouragement into my ears. With new energy, I took a cold gasp as I dived into the unpleasantness again.

    Edit 3: I glanced at the pale, white meal before taking a bite like a wary animal approaching an unknown nourishment. As I winced from the sour, bitter taste, I adverted my concentration to the soothing gales of fall around me as it whispered encouragement into my ears. With new energy, I took a cold gasp and dived into the unpleasantness again. I sat still as the stirring scent stifled my nose and began to win me over. I felt as if I had reached a different, Ultimate Reality.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Yoonjie Park
    Grade 10 Language and Literature 4

    Literal Sentence- I ate a sandwich.

    Edit 1- I ate my asiago cheese roast beef sandwich.

    Edit 2- I took a huge bite of my asiago cheese roast beef sandwich. My stomach, which had been complaining that it was full until a few moments ago, started to growl, hungry for more of the delicious combination of ingredients. Although I kept telling myself that I was full and couldn't possibly eat another bite, my tastebuds protested, saying that they needed to taste it again.

    Edit 3- I delicately picked up my asiago cheese roast beef sandwich, being careful not to let any of the precious ingredients slide out between the two perfectly-baked halves of bread. Opening my mouth wide, I sank my teeth into the bun and chewed. Opening my eyes wide at the amazing taste, I quickly gobbled up the rest of it like someone who had not eaten for days, despite the fact that I had been complaining just a few moments before about how full I was. Now, although my stomach kept telling me that it wouldn't be able to hold another bite, I wasn't able to resist the temptation. The sharp flavour of the red onion, the tanginess of the mustard, and the juiciness of the roast beef and the perfect harmony they created inside my mouth was too great for me to ignore.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Sarah Kim
    Grade 10 Language & Literature ACE1

    Edit 1- I dashed my way to the store like a running athlete.

    Edit 2- My sweat was crawling down from the tip of my hair to my long thick neck.

    Edie 3- I dashed my way to the store like a running athlete. My sweat was crawling down from the tip of my hair to my long thick neck. I was huffing and puffing on my way to the store with all the people that got their eye on that girl. I was running and running so fast as I could, the wind that was blowing was slowing me down. I turn to the left and there it was, a big rectangular building that I have been looking for.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Nathan Cheung
    Grade 10 L&L4

    Literal Sentence: I ate a sandwich.

    Edit 1: I munched on the glorious sandwich as it exploded in my mouth.

    Edit 2: I greedily wolfed down the chicken sandwich as I cautiously observed my surroundings. It felt as if there was a never-ending black hole implanted in the core of my stomach.

    Edit 3: I snatched the chicken sandwich out of its container as if it was the solution to all my life's problems. As I started to wolf it down, I pictured myself as a lawnmower that was constantly at work. The sandwich then proceeded to melt into pure goodness, and tears started to dance in the corners of my eyes. I cautiously observed my surroundings, and let out a sigh. It felt nice to eat again.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Jeanne Lee
    Grade 10 Lang. and Lit. - 3

    Literal Sentence: I ate a turkey sandwich.

    Edit 1: I nibbled on my disgusting greasy brown turkey sandwich, which tasted more like sand than anything.

    Edit 2: I nibbled on my disgusting, greasy, brown, smelly turkey sandwich, as a mouse would nibble on its food. It was like trying to eat sand.

    Edit 3: "Nibble nibble nibble." I nibbled on my disgusting, greasy, brown, smelly turkey sandwich as a mouse would nibble its food. It was like trying to eat sand. This is what happens when I forget to bring my lunch money.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Albert Kim
    Grade 10 Lang. and Lit -3
    Literal sentence: I ate a turkey sandwich.

    Edit 1: I quickly devoured the turkey sandwich layered with whole grain bread, from subway.

    Edit 2: The smell of a delicious turkey sub was spreading into my room. the enticing sub subdued me and I quickly devoured the sub that was given the Midas touch: a bit of Tobasco sauce, just the way I like it.

    Edit 3: The smell of a delicious turkey sub was diffusing into my room. The enticing sub subdued me, and I quickly devoured the delicacy that had the Midas touch: just a bit of Tobasco sauce, just the way I like it. Mother knows best.

    ReplyDelete

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